Mindful Speech, and Silence

Mindful listening means being truly and fully “in the Present,” attentive within the immediacy of a communication Moment; not thinking about what you will say next, not fixated on what was just said.

One basic, fun exercise that might help you to be more Mindful in the Moment is to give yourself the grace to experience five minutes (or more, but few can go this long) without using language, at all. That means: “Do not talk, do not think, for thinking is but talking in one’s head” (from “Zen and Now”, a 1970’s documentary). During this language free respite, if someone talks, do not decipher what they are saying. If you pass a written sign, do not focus on it or decode it. Quiet the mind even while you move through nature or your everyday environment.

I start an Introduction to Linguistics class every year with this 5 Minute assignment of not using language. Students tells me it allows them to understand language—the human condition to a large extent, yes?—in a new light.  What are you without language? You are more OPEN to the immediacy of the Moment.  When you Listen Mindfully, you can extend this exercise by aiming to clear your mind while the other person is speaking. Pause before you reply, allowing what you just heard to filter deeply through your consciousness. Allow that new input to be processed before you respond. I find that if I take the time to practice this degree of Mindfulness in a conversation, I and my interlocutor may be amazed and surprised at the creative directions our conversation…or its absence even…might take.

Which brings up another aspect of communication that we often overlook: Silence.  Silence is a big part of every conversation or communication, though we Anglo Americans anyway tend not to recognize or to use it as such. In many cultures, for example notably among the Quakers and Amish and among Apache and Navajo Native Americans, silence is a communicative form of expression, an art all its own. Quakers aim to speak sparingly and when they do speak, to be a vehicle only for the most humble expression of divine love and simplicity. Apaches and Navajos know when not to speak, allowing any potentially conflictual exchange to be mediated and tempered by silence. American Anglos tend to be overly talkative, seen from one of these other cultural perspectives. It is as if we feel a need to crowd the air with noise to avoid the embarrassment of too much silence between us. But what are we missing in the interstices? Try sharing a meal or an hour of pure silence with a loved one—no TV allowed!

Each culture has its own conventions about communication, and we learn these conventions by the time we are able to talk. These conventions help us to hold a conversation according to the norms of our community. We also develop patterns of communication within our family, at school, or at the workplace. You can see these patterns or constraints most clearly when you consciously “violate” a convention. Try driving up to a McDonald’s window, for instance, and ask for a spinach salad, or a medium rare prime rib dinner. That’s a mild example. There are rules, norms and conventions for communication—some call them discourse scripts—for just about any kind of situated talk. Who can speak how, to whom, under what circumstances, and to what effect, are basic questions that define the sociolinguistics of communication.

My point with these examples is this: if you want to achieve Better Endings in your communication overall, whether for writing or for genuinely improving a relationship, first aim to understand what you DO NOW, in order to decide what you would like to be doing. If you find yourself overly constrained or habitual in your communication style or in “rules” of communication you have grown up with, try changing those conventions, mindfully, with positive, conscious INTENTION.

Changing a communication pattern, style, or convention reflects and can also establish a change in consciousness. Understanding and then changing a pattern of communication in a relationship can change that relationship, “for Good”!

I look forward to your Comments, Insights and Stories! As always, I wish for you Mindfulness, and Joy!

Successes So Far, by Lidiya

 

Posted on February 11, 2014 by Lidiya

Although I deny living in the past (and try to follow the minimalist principle of consciously experiencing the present moment), there are a few exceptions. They are certain situations and circumstances that allow referring to the past.

One of them is to go back in time and try to analyze our previous behavior, mistakes and failures. Another one, to which this post is dedicated, is to remind ourselves of past successes.

I believe this to be a simple technique we can use when we feel down, are disappointed of the lack of self-improvement or to boost our confidence and motivation a bit.

I refer more to successes in your personal development process rather than the material ones (like promotion, salary raise, new apartment and so on). Of course they are big achievements too, but I’ve noticed people to pay too much attention to them and that often ends by making them feel too confident and proud. And this is a step back.

Instead, I want you to do this simple exercise using things such as: successful habits you’ve built and bad ones you’ve ditched, a big change in your way of thinking, new qualities, having overcome a fear of yours, taking lessons from failures, giving up on something you couldn’t imagine living without in order to become a better person, and so on.
Also try to stress on how this has helped you, remember how much effort it cost you and feel good for having done that.

I’ll share some of mine. It’s not some kind of bragging, just a little reminder to myself that I’ve achieved something, that it was worth it and that if I’ve done it once, I can do it again. This way I know I have a reason to keep going further in my development and expect big things.

Here they are:

1. Going vegetarian

That’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever taken and I’m so glad I did it when I was 16. It’s been almost 6 years now and I feel great.

One day back in 2007 I read a lot about meat, then I read more. And after getting familiar with every aspect of the process of how animals are being treated before they are killed, how the meat we eat today is prepared and the way our body digests it (or at least, tries to), I decided not to eat it anymore.

From that day on I’ve never tasted it again. And if my body, mind and soul feel better, then there’s no other opinion I need to hear.

As I think of it, that is a proof that somewhere deep inside I have the motivation to control all my habits. I just need to desire the change bad enough.
I definitely haven’t mastered that but knowing that the power to do it is in me is rather relieving.

2. Acceptance

I learnt to accept things when there’s nothing I can do and the situation depends on outer factors.

A quick example: While on a holiday in Holland – visiting it for the first time – we missed the train to Amsterdam while in a hurry. I spent the 15 minutes until the next one arrived in a relaxed waiting, while my friend was furious and complaining about that for the whole time. These negative emotions, in my opinion, were just pointless.

So, if it’s raining, be okay with that. You’ll do what you’ve planned tomorrow. If there’s a big queue in front of you, either wait patiently, or put it off for another time.
Getting angry and focusing on the result that things don’t go as planned won’t help. It will just make it worse.

I accepted the past as it is. I accepted the uncertainty of the future. I accepted my mistakes. You can do it too.

3. Followed my passion

It’s one thing to find it and completely another to dedicate time and energy to it every day. And the more I write, the more contentment I find in life. Because that’s my passion.

4. Appreciation

I often stop for a while to look around, see the beauty in little things and experience the moment. I appreciate more and more the things I have, the hardships I’ve been through, the places I visit and people I meet.

Some time ago I didn’t do that and it was a goal of mine to learn how to stop every now and then and just find time to smell the roses (as is the last line of a favorite movie of mine – “Crank”). I guess I’ve reached it to some extent.

5. Finding simplicity

I’m grateful I had the chance to get familiar with Zen and Minimalism. And although I’m not a strict follower, I chose to live by some of the principles these philosophies offer.

So far that has worked wonders.

6. No judging

I stopped judging others. It’s not my right to judge and put labels on people.

7. Positivity

I’ve worked hard on substituting all the negative thoughts in my head for positive affirmations, all problems for opportunities and the failures and mistakes for lessons.
It’s a great way to live life.

8. Fitness

I finally managed to make it a daily habit. With some exceptions, of course, but now going to the gym is one of the good parts of my day and I look at it more like a pleasure than a task.

It’s one of the few healthy habits I love doing. On all others I’m still working.

9. Letting go

That’s a huge deal for me. I consider this to be one of the best things someone can learn to do that can change his life once and for all.

There are so many things we need to let go of – expectations, other people’s opinion, regret, perfection, disappointment, the past, worries, etc.

I’m trying to do it in the best way possible – simply and easily, by understanding, breathing deeply and just letting things, people, places and thoughts let go with a smile.

10. Giving and sharing

Somehow I find a way to include this universal law into most of the posts I write: Give as much as you can and expect nothing in return. And as a result, you’ll have more and will be more satisfied with yourself and your life.

I advise you to give this simple technique a try. Here’s why:

• it will make you feel better;
• it will remind you of your abilities, potential and power;
• it will motivate you to keep doing what you’re up to and follow your dreams;
• if you’re on the verge of giving up on something that’s difficult but important, this will show you that if you’ve achieved these things so far, you can do much more.

 What are your successes so far?

******   ******

Lidiya is a Marketing student from Bulgaria.Her true passion is writing and she spends a lot of time blogging at Let’s Reach Success where she writes about success, simplicity, life hacking and self-improvement and wants to inspire and motivate people and remind them of their potential and powers. 

You can find her on Google+ and Facebook or reach hear by email at lidiya@letsreachsuccess.com.