My Life Dream, by panikikubik

I’m living above another persons dream

Posted at 10:16 by panikikubik, on March 9, 2014

I’m living above another person’s dream. I’m sitting here like a cloud or a goddess and the dreamer doesn’t know it……because he is occupied, practicing a difficult accord on his guitar.

I still don’t know if it’s an honor or a hell. Because it’s hard to think and write and plan anything meanwhile the dreamer is playing on his guitar. But I won’t say anything to him. I don’t want to be a person who kills another person’s dream. He could be the next Jimi Hendrix. And you don’t take away dreams from people. Dreams are all the crutches we humans have on our back-packing here on earth.

I have to find a way to cope with the dreamer until he gets rich and moves out from his grandma’s apartment, into a big house with gorgeous ladies and an own music studio.

Maybe I can take my own guitar and knock on his door and join him. I can hear that we are at the same level in the guitar technic, which worries me, because I’m so far west, east, north and south as you can be from Jimi Hendrix talent, and so is the dreamer. Does that mean that the dreamer will never get rich and move out to that house with a pool and gorgeous women? No, he is young, he got long rock’n roll hair and he seems to be determined in his choice of profession, so he will find a way to get there.

What did I just write and think?

No he is young, he got long rock’n roll hair and he seems to be determined in his choice of profession, so he will find a way to get there.

But, what about me?

I’m not young but still not that old, I have long hair and…will I get there? Do I have a dream? Yes, I’m dreaming about a good life, a good health a good day at work. But wait – that’s not dreaming. That is wishing.

Is it so that after a certain age, dreams transforms into wishes that after another certain age transforms into whispers?

I realized this night and morning that somewhere along the road of daily life, panic, stress, low self-esteem and the stigma of getting older – I stopped dreaming and I started wishing.

I wish that I will get old enough to celebrate my both of my son’s 50 this birthday: I wish that I can manage to keep on going to my stressful job so I can pay the rent. I wish that my teeth stays in its good condition I wish to keep my good health I wish I don’t die too early

These are my wishes….and I will keep them. But where are my dreams?

Was it the panic disorder that took them away? Well, some yes, because it’s very difficult to fulfill dreams at the same time as you have a panic disorder, I won’t go into those details know.

Is it my age that took them away? I’m 49, still fit and looking nice but I’m always 10 years ahead in my head. When you watch television, internet – the new stars are young people, younger for each year. And if you are 27 in a song competition, you’re considered old.

As I wrote in my post “Are you where you want to be in life right now?” – the first step to any change is acknowledgement.

Somewhere along the way I stopped dreaming. I settled for wishing. Don’t get me wrong. Wishing is important. But it’s not a substitute for dreaming.

After almost finishing this post I went into my kitchen to get my coffee cup and meanwhile I stood by the window, looking out – I suddenly  – right in front of me – saw something I been waiting for.

Look in the middle. A new green shoot at my cactus. It wasn’t there last weekend.

I have written about my cactus in an early post of mine “After all these years of joy and struggling I’m afraid to lose the past“. My cactus is a symbol for me, a symbol for hope, life and strength It was an old (about 25 years) brown root when I saved it from the dustbin. Then after one year – the first new green shoot came from the brown root. Every year there has grown out a new shoot. I’ve been looking after the new shoot for this year.

This morning I found it. My first thought was: There you are, I’ve been waiting for you. And I felt hope. I have to do the same. Keep on growing new shoots.

In the video above, Bruce Springsteen sings, “Dream Baby Dream”.

I will start to do that again.

I hope you will too.

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